MST3K #621: The Beast of Yucca Flats

Mystery Science Theater 3000 experiment #621: The Beast of Yucca Flats (with shorts, Money Talks and Progress Island U.S.A.)
Original Comedy Central airdate: January 21, 1995.
Available from Amazon on the 18th MST3K collection.

Money Talks: A young man wonders how he can go to the dance this Friday, but he doesn't have enough money to get in. Benjamin Franklin drops by to show our young friend how to budget his money better, among other helpful tips. This kid only earns seven dollars a week. How does he live on so little?!

Progress Island U.S.A.: A fast paced and exciting 1973 film designed to persuade investors into pouring some money into the crown jewel of the Caribbean, Puerto Rico. In 1973, Puerto Rico had everything! Music! Gambling! Rum! Nothing you couldn't find anywhere in the big cities here in the United States! I've lost sleep on many nights wondering if this short film really accomplished its purpose.

The Beast of Yucca Flats: The third part of the Coleman Francis trilogy, this one manages to be as inept and unintentionally hilarious as the other two movies. Following an edited scene where a nude woman is strangled by an unidentified man, Joseph Javorsky (Tor Johnson), noted Soviet scientist, defects to America, choosing to come to the Yucca Flat. He has a briefcase stuffed full of military secrets. Javorsky is attacked instantly by a pair of KGB assassins. He manages to outwalk them deep into the desert, where he wanders too close to an American nuclear test, which transforms him into a mindless, homicidal beast who presumably has little interest in protecting Soviet secrets, preferring to stumble around aimlessly. Javorsky kills a young couple, and is pursued by two cops. Meanwhile, two young sons get separated from their parents on vacation, and end up running into Javorsky. The movie ends like any true Coleman Francis classic does: someone gets shot to death by law enforcement. This one also features the usual Francis talent, like Tony Cardoza, Eric "I like coffee!" Tomlin, and Conrad Brooks.

Coleman Francis filmed this turkey without a soundtrack, so any narration, dialogue, and sound effects were added on later, leading to characters only speaking while offscreen, or when their faces aren't totally visable onscreen. Also, any gunplay is featured with the muzzle of the gun out of the shot. Basically, any film student could make a better movie than this! Bah!

We open on the S.O.L. with Mike Nelson putting up rows of mismatched wallpaper, while Tom Servo and Crow offer absolutely no practical assistance. Down in Deep 13, Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank unveil "Proposition Deep 13", complete with balloons and catchphrases. Mike and the 'Bots issue their own rebuttal, and they seem very confident of their victory until informed that this week's experiment is a Coleman Francis film. After that, they're like "NO RLY, OMFG!!" After the shorts, a loud party next door gets the attention of Mike, Servo, and Crow on the bridge, and Crow sneaks over to marvel at the Rick Wakeman record on hand. Apparently, our heroes don't really throw outrageous parties. Next, it's almost lunchtime, and Crow keeps asking Mike if it's 11:30 yet. And keeps asking. Later on, Crow introduces his new organization, the Film Anti-Preservation Society (FAPS), which is dedicated to allowing the deterioration of all horrible films such as this one. Mike comes on to halt Crow's speech. After the movie's done, Mike gives his victory speech, while the Mads concede defeat, leading to TV's Frank getting slapped in the face exactly 24 times.

Highly recommended episode containing a horrible movie, and two hysterical shorts.

...what?

Oh yes, I neglected to mention the best line:

"Flag on the moon...how did it get there?"